Don't Screw Up Your Life: How to Break Away from Happiness Templates

Real men don't dance, cry, or obsess over soap operas. They earn money, take charge, reach new heights, achieve. Happiness is a trophy of sorts, a reward for courage, perseverance and initiative that awaits you in the future, along with a pile of money, cars, houses, yachts, and other attributes of wealth.

I was building my business for nearly thirty years, guided by the stereotypes common to many entrepreneurs from the post-Soviet space. And where did it get me? Quite far, to be honest. I made my millions and created PET Technologies, an international machine-building company that manufactures equipment for the production of PET bottles and exports it to fifty-four countries around the world.

My path led me to financial well-being, freedom, travel, cool cars, recognition in the business community, influence, and great opportunities. But it did not lead to the most important thing… happiness. One day, sitting in the back seat of my Mercedes, I experienced the worst bout of depression. "What else do you need?" I asked myself. I realized that the more I achieved, the more disillusioned I became.

Each time, as we move up the ladder, we reach a new level. And every new level brings us a new kind of dissatisfaction. So, when do we reach happiness? In search of an answer, I came up with a system, the essence of which is outlined in my book "The Happiness System: A Practical Guide to the Practice of Happiness".

If we want to get results in business, what do we do? We engage in business, design a system, and deliberately take specific actions that lead us to the goal. If we want to be healthy and beautiful, we systematically adhere to a strict regimen of training and nutrition. The same goes for happiness. If you want to be happy, work on happiness.

We believe that achieving all of our goals — from business and family to health and hobbies — automatically leads us to happiness. But that is not always the case. Happiness, as a goal, needs to be separated from other goals, and all other goals should be re-examined from that new angle. If one of those goals does not lead to happiness, it needs to be urgently reframed.

Happiness Templates vs Happy Moments

Our idea of happiness is filled with a whole set of "ifs" and "whens": "when" I become rich, "when" I build a house, "when" I step down from operations, etc. As such, we constantly postpone happiness, tying the sense of being happy to the fulfillment of certain conditions. This approach doesn't work. Take money, for example. Our mind associates the concept of money with its lack. Every new level we reach opens new horizons of desire. These desires will always surpass our abilities, and fulfilling them may take our entire life. I don't want you to think that I am against money; in fact, I am very much in favor of it. But then, when and how do we reach happiness?

Happiness is not a state that we can reach by using a Happiness Template.

During one of my speeches to a group of businessmen, I asked those who owned more than five cars to raise their hands. They all did. When I asked which car they remembered best, they all exclaimed in unison that it was their first one. It's no surprise, really. I remember my first car too — a VAZ 2108, or as we called it, the "wet asphalt" model eight. I bought it back in 1993 and drove it for 150,000 km. I remember that this "bucket on wheels" could not reach a destination without breaking down. I always had to carry a set of tools, soap, spare clothes, and a container of water with me. Many years have passed. One day, I was picking up my fourth customized Porsche from the dealership, and I didn't feel the rush of happiness that I expected. I drove away, parked, and went about my usual business. How come? Victor Pelevin put it perfectly when he called it "inflation of happiness"! We set goals, achieve them, and then experience an emotional letdown soon after.

So how do we break out of this vicious cycle? We do it by understanding what we really want.

Just like any other system, the system of happiness has its basic elements. One of them is Happy Moments (HM). These are vivid flashes of joy that we consciously experience when we are happy. A specific image of the HM is stored in our memory and serves as a link that brings us back to the state that we call happiness and that is now encoded in our body.

Let me give you another simple and straightforward example from my own life. An ice cream cone! I was very little, and it was on a beach in Yalta where my parents brought me on a sunny summer day. They bought me an ice cream cone, and looking at it, I experienced a moment of happiness. Naturally, it wasn't just the ice cream that made me happy, but a combination of factors — summer, the sea, the closeness of the people I love, the feeling of well-being, and the anticipation of something great about to happen. The ice cream cone was an image that imprinted itself in my memory. I find it, "click" on it, and it activates the state of happiness in me.

In the happiness system, HMs serve two important functions. First, they help us realize that we have been happy many times without any conditions or conventions, and that the state of happiness is something we recognize well. Second, thanks to HMs, we can figure out what makes us truly happy.

The Inverse Proportion

An interesting observation: when we were children, we had literally nothing, but the frequency of Happy Moments was through the roof. As time went by and we acquired more, the frequency of HMs decreased. Why is that? It's all because of the templates we use to define happiness. Over the years, we have become increasingly distant from our true selves. Working with templates is the first step in happiness training. I recommend writing down, for a few weeks, all the templates that come to mind. Then, when most of them have emerged from the far reaches of your conscious and subconscious mind, continue to distill new templates — literally hunting them down. Not all templates are harmful, only those that lead us away from our true selves.

But how do we find our true selves? To do this, it's necessary to keep a notebook and record Happy Moments from your childhood, youth, and adult life — anything that comes to mind. At first, it will be hard, but then the momentum will build, and memories will start to emerge from the depths of your memory. After that, zoom in on these Happy Moments every time they arise, until they become a habit (in about 40 days). Don't describe or detail them. Sensory images should be simple, short, and understandable — an ice cream cone, a sunset, a rainbow over the roof of your house, a fish wriggling on a hook in the afternoon sun...

Happy Moments work if they immediately trigger your emotions. They don't when they are forced and far-fetched.

When your notebook is crammed full of your handwriting, take the time to group the Happy Moments. It will become clear what your Happy Moments are most often associated with. Bingo! You have got to the heart of the matter. And this truth will surprise you, as most likely it will be different from your formulas. Or maybe not... everyone is unique! And our uniqueness is the most valuable thing we have.

If you fully apply yourself to working with Happiness Templates and Happy Moments, you will achieve great results. It will turn out that you've been happy multiple times in your life and that you are familiar with that feeling. Happiness has always been within your reach. It is not some vague future waiting for you around the corner as a reward for another formulaic action or acquisition.